Not in the Mood
This blog post goes out to everyone who isn’t in the mood. Maybe you’re rarely in the mood for sex. Maybe sometimes you are but your partner pretty much *always* wants sex, so in the context of that relationship, you feel like you don’t want it often enough. Maybe you literally never want to have sex. Maybe you theoretically want to have sex, but you rarely want to in the moment. Maybe you like to have sex with yourself (aka masturbate) but you rarely want sex with another person.
Our psychology around our sexuality is complex and multi-layered, and each person is unique, so the reasons for not wanting sex are not the same for everyone, and the level of acceptance or distress around this is also not the same for everyone.
To begin with, there’s a wide natural range of sexual desire and interest. Some people have very little or no interest in sex. Some of these people identify as asexual or “ace” and have found peace and self-acceptance in this identity and in the ace community. If you’re not interested in sex, and you’re fine with that, then everything’s good and doesn’t need changing.
Hormones play a central role in sexual desire. For biological females whose hormones fluctuate over the course of the month, sexual desire can also flow and ebb with our hormones. Hormones also change over a lifetime, and people of all genders may experience a change in sexual desire and function as they age. For most people, this means a decrease, but some people experience increased interest in sex as they age, including after menopause for females. The only constant is change, and this includes our sex lives. Remaining present and flexible with what is happening for us now makes for more fulfilling sex at every life stage.
There are a number of medications that can decrease sexual desire and sexual function, like the ability to experience pleasure and/or orgasm. SSRIs and some other antidepressants often impact sexual desire and function. Hormonal birth control methods also can. If you’re experiencing decreased sexual desire and you’re taking a medication that may be impacting this, it is absolutely worth talking with your doctor about this concern.
Doctors and psychiatrists often will not ask you specifically about sexual concerns because sex is taboo in our culture, and people don’t talk about it much, so they don’t want to make patients uncomfortable. However, doctors are generally aware of these medication side effects, and there are often alternatives or additional medications that can be tried without sacrificing efficacy, so you should definitely bring the concern to your doctor. Sexual health and satisfaction are important and central parts of your life, not just some optional bonus.
Perhaps it goes without saying, but you need to feel safe with your partner, both physically and emotionally, in order to want to have sex with them on an ongoing basis. If you’re in a partnership where you don’t feel safe or respected, lack of sexual desire may be one of your warning signs that this relationship is not the one for you. Always trust your gut.
If you’re in a relationship where you feel safe and respected, and you wish that you wanted sex more often, or perhaps you used to want sex and you miss that feeling, then here are some things to consider:
When seeking to understand your own sexual desire, it is super helpful to understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. As Emily Nagoski explains in Come As You Are, desire comes in two flavors: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire seemingly comes out of nowhere… you just spontaneously want to have sex. In contrast, responsive desire arises in response to some sexual stimulus, so you need some sexually relevant conversation or other content and likely some sensual touching before you want to have sex. Both of these ways of experiencing sexual desire are common and normal.
Although spontaneous and responsive desire don’t fall perfectly on gender lines, and gender’s not a binary anyway, more men experience spontaneous desire more of the time, and more women experience responsive desire more of the time. In our culture, spontaneous desire is widely considered to be the norm, and countless people have felt broken or assumed they have “low desire” simply because they experience responsive desire… and if you’re a responsive desire person and you don’t have anything to respond to, you may find that you rarely want sex—even if you *want* to want sex.
If this sounds like you, simply knowing that responsive desire is normal, and that you need something to respond to, can be a game changer. You can explain this to your partner, and the two of you can collaborate on ways to stoke your responsive desire. This doesn’t mean that your partner has to seduce you every time. It can just mean that you intentionally carve out time and space for intimacy and then slow things down, beginning with some affectionate touch, maybe prolonged kissing or making out… giving space and encouragement for responsive desire to blossom.
If you have responsive desire, and your partner tends toward spontaneous desire, you may find that they nearly always initiate sex, and that might be ok, but it can also lead to a feeling of imbalance. The partner with spontaneous desire (more often a man) comes onto the partner with responsive desire (more often a woman), and that person is then in the role of gatekeeper, who decides yes or no, maybe or maybe not, now or later. Feelings of obligation, guilt, rejection, and disappointment can creep in, which muddies the sexual energy between the partners. A chasing dynamic can develop, where Spontaneous Partner tries repeatedly to get Responsive Partner to have sex, and Responsive Partner resists the advances more and more. Sometimes Spontaneous Partner eventually stops trying, which is one common path to a sexless partnership.
There’s an assumption in our culture that sex should happen spontaneously, which goes along with the assumption that spontaneous desire is the normal (or only) kind. The truth is that sex doesn’t always happen spontaneously, and particularly in a long-term relationship, planning sex can result in a lot of satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness. If you and your partner both have responsive desire, the need for you to intentionally plan your sexual intimacy is even more important because when neither person ever just wants sex out of the blue, you can go a very very long time without having sex.
When you make a sex date and put it on the calendar, it gives both partners something to look forward to, and you can work together on creating a context that will facilitate connection, intimacy, and sexiness. Ahead of your date, it’s important to address any significant relationship stressors so that you’re able to emotionally connect with your partner. It’s wise to create a vibe cushion around your sex date. For the hour or two beforehand, you want to avoid anything stressful, like the news or household budgeting or getting in an argument, for example. Do things that help you feel relaxed and sensual.
On your date, you and your partner may do other things together before or after sex, but make sex the centerpiece. What you don’t want to do is to eat a big delicious dinner with wine and then maybe have sex afterward if you both have any energy left. This generally results in mediocre to no sex. When you build your couple time around having great sex, you’re much more likely to have great sex.
Does it feel funny to think about scheduling sex? Do you feel like it doesn’t count if it’s not spontaneous? I’m here to tell you that planned and scheduled sex totally counts. The pleasure feels amazing, and making sex a priority rather than an afterthought or a secret-that-shall-not-be-named results in better and more fulfilling sex for you and your partner, and more true intimacy in your partnership.
If you and your sexual partner have different desire levels or styles, and it’s a stressor on your relationship, I’d love to help you move toward more ease and pleasure. This is fast becoming one of my favorite ways to help couples in individualized sessions. You can book a free consult by Zoom to test the waters.
©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.
