Not in the Mood

This blog post goes out to everyone who isn’t in the mood. Maybe you’re rarely in the mood for sex. Maybe sometimes you are but your partner pretty much *always* wants sex, so in the context of that relationship, you feel like you don’t want it often enough. Maybe you literally never want to have sex. Maybe you theoretically want to have sex, but you rarely want to in the moment. Maybe you like to have sex with yourself (aka masturbate) but you rarely want sex with another person.

Our psychology around our sexuality is complex and multi-layered, and each person is unique, so the reasons for not wanting sex are not the same for everyone, and the level of acceptance or distress around this is also not the same for everyone.

To begin with, there’s a wide natural range of sexual desire and interest. Some people have very little or no interest in sex. Some of these people identify as asexual or “ace” and have found peace and self-acceptance in this identity and in the ace community. If you’re not interested in sex, and you’re fine with that, then everything’s good and doesn’t need changing.

Hormones play a central role in sexual desire. For biological females whose hormones fluctuate over the course of the month, sexual desire can also flow and ebb with our hormones. Hormones also change over a lifetime, and people of all genders may experience a change in sexual desire and function as they age. For most people, this means a decrease, but some people experience increased interest in sex as they age, including after menopause for females. The only constant is change, and this includes our sex lives. Remaining present and flexible with what is happening for us now makes for more fulfilling sex at every life stage.

There are a number of medications that can decrease sexual desire and sexual function, like the ability to experience pleasure and/or orgasm. SSRIs and some other antidepressants often impact sexual desire and function. Hormonal birth control methods also can. If you’re experiencing decreased sexual desire and you’re taking a medication that may be impacting this, it is absolutely worth talking with your doctor about this concern.

Doctors and psychiatrists often will not ask you specifically about sexual concerns because sex is taboo in our culture, and people don’t talk about it much, so they don’t want to make patients uncomfortable. However, doctors are generally aware of these medication side effects, and there are often alternatives or additional medications that can be tried without sacrificing efficacy, so you should definitely bring the concern to your doctor. Sexual health and satisfaction are important and central parts of your life, not just some optional bonus.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but you need to feel safe with your partner, both physically and emotionally, in order to want to have sex with them on an ongoing basis. If you’re in a partnership where you don’t feel safe or respected, lack of sexual desire may be one of your warning signs that this relationship is not the one for you. Always trust your gut.

If you’re in a relationship where you feel safe and respected, and you wish that you wanted sex more often, or perhaps you used to want sex and you miss that feeling, then here are some things to consider:

When seeking to understand your own sexual desire, it is super helpful to understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. As Emily Nagoski explains in Come As You Are, desire comes in two flavors: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire seemingly comes out of nowhere… you just spontaneously want to have sex. In contrast, responsive desire arises in response to some sexual stimulus, so you need some sexually relevant conversation or other content and likely some sensual touching before you want to have sex. Both of these ways of experiencing sexual desire are common and normal.

Although spontaneous and responsive desire don’t fall perfectly on gender lines, and gender’s not a binary anyway, more men experience spontaneous desire more of the time, and more women experience responsive desire more of the time. In our culture, spontaneous desire is widely considered to be the norm, and countless people have felt broken or assumed they have “low desire” simply because they experience responsive desire… and if you’re a responsive desire person and you don’t have anything to respond to, you may find that you rarely want sex—even if you *want* to want sex.

If this sounds like you, simply knowing that responsive desire is normal, and that you need something to respond to, can be a game changer. You can explain this to your partner, and the two of you can collaborate on ways to stoke your responsive desire. This doesn’t mean that your partner has to seduce you every time. It can just mean that you intentionally carve out time and space for intimacy and then slow things down, beginning with some affectionate touch, maybe prolonged kissing or making out… giving space and encouragement for responsive desire to blossom.

If you have responsive desire, and your partner tends toward spontaneous desire, you may find that they nearly always initiate sex, and that might be ok, but it can also lead to a feeling of imbalance. The partner with spontaneous desire (more often a man) comes onto the partner with responsive desire (more often a woman), and that person is then in the role of gatekeeper, who decides yes or no, maybe or maybe not, now or later. Feelings of obligation, guilt, rejection, and disappointment can creep in, which muddies the sexual energy between the partners. A chasing dynamic can develop, where Spontaneous Partner tries repeatedly to get Responsive Partner to have sex, and Responsive Partner resists the advances more and more. Sometimes Spontaneous Partner eventually stops trying, which is one common path to a sexless partnership.

There’s an assumption in our culture that sex should happen spontaneously, which goes along with the assumption that spontaneous desire is the normal (or only) kind. The truth is that sex doesn’t always happen spontaneously, and particularly in a long-term relationship, planning sex can result in a lot of satisfaction, pleasure, and happiness. If you and your partner both have responsive desire, the need for you to intentionally plan your sexual intimacy is even more important because when neither person ever just wants sex out of the blue, you can go a very very long time without having sex.

When you make a sex date and put it on the calendar, it gives both partners something to look forward to, and you can work together on creating a context that will facilitate connection, intimacy, and sexiness. Ahead of your date, it’s important to address any significant relationship stressors so that you’re able to emotionally connect with your partner. It’s wise to create a vibe cushion around your sex date. For the hour or two beforehand, you want to avoid anything stressful, like the news or household budgeting or getting in an argument, for example. Do things that help you feel relaxed and sensual.

On your date, you and your partner may do other things together before or after sex, but make sex the centerpiece. What you don’t want to do is to eat a big delicious dinner with wine and then maybe have sex afterward if you both have any energy left. This generally results in mediocre to no sex. When you build your couple time around having great sex, you’re much more likely to have great sex.

Does it feel funny to think about scheduling sex? Do you feel like it doesn’t count if it’s not spontaneous? I’m here to tell you that planned and scheduled sex totally counts. The pleasure feels amazing, and making sex a priority rather than an afterthought or a secret-that-shall-not-be-named results in better and more fulfilling sex for you and your partner, and more true intimacy in your partnership.

If you and your sexual partner have different desire levels or styles, and it’s a stressor on your relationship, I’d love to help you move toward more ease and pleasure. This is fast becoming one of my favorite ways to help couples in individualized sessions. You can book a free consult by Zoom to test the waters.

©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.

Sex-Positive Parenting

This one is for the parents—though anyone interested in generational transfer of culture and values will likely find it interesting! This essay will help you understand why I think this is so important and what my sex-positive parenting philosophy is all about.

So parents: When you think about your kid’s future, what do you wish for them? Health and happiness are top on my list, and likely yours too. While we don’t tend to think much about our kids as sexual beings, a fulfilling sex life is an important component of a healthy and happy life for most humans—and as parents, there are things we can do and say from a very young age that will support (or hinder) the development of healthy sexuality.

Humans are sexual beings. Even in utero, babies touch their genitals. It feels good! Our genitals are full of nerve endings, and touching them is pleasurable. When a baby touches their feet, we might say happily “You found your feet!” How about when a baby touches their penis or vulva? Ideally, a parent’s response is very similar: “You found your penis!” Ideally, babies and children are never shamed for touching their genitals or finding pleasure in other ways. When a child is old enough to understand some boundaries around where and when we do various things (like eating in the kitchen or peeing in the toilet), parents can direct kids to touch their genitals in the bathroom or bedroom—and to wash their hands before and after. Ideally we validate the natural inclination toward self-pleasure by saying “Does it feel good to touch your vulva?” and then “That’s a great thing to do when you’re alone in your bedroom. And washing your hands before and after touching your vulva will help to keep you clean and healthy.”

What I just described gives kids a great start toward a healthy relationship to their sexuality. As kids get older, they will have questions about sex as well as reproduction. Parents should always answer kids’ questions factually, offering a small amount of accurate information and waiting to see if that meets the child’s curiosity or if they have more or different questions to ask. Avoiding or ignoring a question that might make us feel uncomfortable will transmit our cultural shame around sexuality to our kids, who will then be less likely to ask us questions in the future. When kids know that we’ll answer their questions with accurate information that is free of judgement and shame, they will keep coming back to us with their questions. This openness is key to establishing and maintaining your role as your child’s go-to person about all their life curiosities, and sexuality is no exception.

As I mentioned, kids will have questions about both sex and reproduction. Sex and reproduction are not the same thing, and I believe it does kids a disservice to conflate them. Kids wonder about where they came from and how reproduction works, including conception, pregnancy, and birth. Kids also wonder about the pleasure they feel in their genitals and about adults “having sex” when they hear about that. The truth is that most people have sex most of the time because it’s pleasurable, and that is not shameful and should not be a secret from children. Many kids believe for some period of their childhood that adults only have sex one time for each child that is born. They also commonly understand sex to mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. It is healthier for all of us to understand “sex” much more broadly, so that it includes all ways that people experience sexual pleasure both alone and with a partner, who may have similar or different genitalia than you do. This definition of sex includes people with all different sexual identities, and it includes a wide array of pleasurable behaviors.

It is important to center pleasure when we talk with kids about sex. Pleasure is often absent from formalized sexuality education (what kids are learning in school). Some schools teach an abstinence-only or abstinence-plus curriculum, which stresses abstaining from sex entirely until marriage. Even in so-called comprehensive sex ed, the focus tends to be on reproduction and avoiding sexually transmitted infections (STIs). There’s general consensus in our culture that we want kids to wait as long as possible before having sex, and fear of pregnancy and/or STIs is used as a motivator to achieve this desired outcome. The emotional messages that come through tend to be heavy on fear and shame. We teach kids to be afraid and ashamed of sex… and then when they grow into adults, they’re supposed to magically have a healthy and happy sex life. Not surprisingly it doesn’t work out so well.

It is important to center pleasure when we talk with kids about sex in part because it’s true and in part because when kids grow up believing that sex is supposed to feel good for everyone involved, they are more likely to have sex that feels good for everyone involved. With this assumption that sex is all about pleasure for all people engaging in it, it almost goes without saying that everyone must consent to having sex. Just like other things people do together for enjoyment, everyone should be doing the thing voluntarily and because they want to.

This key message around consent can be communicated to children from a young age in non-sexual circumstances. For example, when kids play a game together, an adult can make a point to ensure that all kids actually want to play the game before play begins. The adult can then check in midway to make sure that all the kids still want to play the game. And if there’s an emotional shift at any point, the adult can check in or prompt other kids to check in with an unhappy child: “You seem unhappy. Do you still want to play this game? Do you want to change the way we’re playing?” Modeling early that play is for enjoyment, that it’s voluntary, and that kids can opt out or change their mind at any time is a great way to set the stage for healthy consensual and mutually pleasurable sex later on.

When kids get a bit older, it becomes necessary to have real conversations with them about sex and sexuality. Hopefully you’ve established yourself as an “askable adult” and your children are bringing their questions to you, but maybe you haven’t; maybe it’s just as your kid is hitting puberty that you’re realizing that these talks need to happen. Even with the most open and available parents, not all kids will bring up all their questions. Especially as kids transition to adolescents and naturally withdraw from their parents, we sometimes need to bring up the topic of sexuality with our kids. Let me take a moment to validate that this feels hard for a lot of us. The dominant culture in the United States pairs sexuality with shame. One way this manifests is a reluctance to talk about sex and sexuality. Adults don’t talk about sex very much with one another, and parents don’t talk about sex very much with their kids. Lots of parents who are confident in pretty much every other area freeze up when it comes to talking about sexuality. They don’t know what to say, and they fear saying too much or the wrong thing.

When parents avoid the topic of sexuality, kids are at a disadvantage. Children need their parents to share information, values, and support in the realm of sexuality. The alternative is learning from porn, peers, and the internet (which includes some great sexuality education resources along with a ton of misinformation—and kids are generally not well equipped to tell the difference). Given the state of our culture around sex and sexuality, it’s absolutely understandable that parents feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or even fearful when they think about discussing sex with their kids. This is an instance where I’m going to suggest that you take some of your own advice that you likely give to your kids, and apply it to yourself, because it really is important for the health and happiness of your child: “Feel the fear (or discomfort or embarrassment) and do it anyway. You can do hard things.”

Books and good reliable online resources can be a great way to break the ice and engage with kids. You can read them together or provide them to your kids to read on their own, but it’s important to also follow up and initiate conversations about the content of the book or website. Kids need us to keep reminding them that we’re a supportive resource as they do the very hard work of growing up and navigating intense changes in their lives.

There’s a common fear that kids who learn about sex will want to do it sooner. It turns out this is not true. On average, kids who learn all about sex (including pleasure, consent, safety, and the wide range of empowering choices that they have in relationships and sexuality) begin having sex at a later age than kids who don’t experience comprehensive sexuality education—and when they do have sex, they do it more safely and they feel better about it. Knowledge is empowering.

Sex-positive parenting is cycle-breaking and culture-changing work. It is not easy, and like so many challenging things, it is so worth doing. You can be the change you want to see in our culture! You can heal the cultural shame around sexuality that has been passed through your lineage. You can set your kid(s) up for a life with more pleasure, connection, and intimacy—and less shame and fear.

I’m always thrilled to meet parents in the trenches of sex-positive parenting. Feel free to reach out or join my mailing list so you’re sure to hear about future classes or workshops.

©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.

Decolonize Your Body

Decolonization is for sure a “woke” buzzword. Its meaning has broadened from the sociopolitical process of colonized territories gaining independence to a cultural process of dismantling various harmful effects of colonization that remain in the lived experiences of people for decades after a place is first colonized.

Colonization, or settler colonialism, is an ongoing process. In the United States, indigenous people are still displaced from their ancestral lands, and systemic racism based in white supremacy keeps African-American descendants of slavery largely stuck in lower socioeconomic brackets, or even incarcerated and stripped of any wealth they had, while white descendants of colonizers enjoy more wealth, safety, health, and social status.

Patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism are interlocking systems of power, control, and oppression that have been implemented through colonization. When we speak of “decolonizing” various aspects of our lives, we’re talking about finding ways to resist the oppression of these systems and to reclaim our sovereignty and our inherent right to exist and enjoy our lives for their own sake, apart from serving the capitalist machine.

Land is colonized, populations are colonized, and bodies are colonized. Colonization of our bodies shows up in our obsession with being productive and our feelings of guilt when we slow down or rest or seek pleasure. It shows up in the objectification of female bodies and the standards of beauty that favor whiteness and thinness. That feeling that you’re not enough (not thin enough, not smart enough, not working hard enough)… that’s a product of colonization.

Colonization is a lived reality right now. We are all playing our roles in colonial, patriarchal, white-supremacist capitalism. We’re descended from colonizers and/or colonized. Some of us are benefitting in certain ways from this exploitative system, and all of us are suffering from it in other ways.

While there’s no escaping colonization entirely, it is possible to implement decolonizing practices into our lives. We decolonize our bodies when we prioritize pleasure and rest, and deprioritize productivity. Learning about our bodies and their capacity for pleasure is decolonizing. Loving and enjoying our bodies exactly as they are, for our own pleasure rather than in service to someone else—that’s decolonizing.

In a few weeks, I’m hosting a mini-retreat for women and femmes called Decolonize Your Body. This workshop will be embodied and decolonizing, helping us to find home in our bodies, claiming our sovereignty and our pleasure. Decolonizing our bodies is a process, a practice, an ongoing way to exist and resist in these colonial times.

This blog post was especially informed by Decolonizing the Body, by Kelsey Blackwell

©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.

How Pleasure Dismantles the Patriarchy

My mission is to help people experience more pleasure in their bodies. And why not?! Feeling good feels good, and that’s good, right? It is! And pleasure for pleasure’s sake is good enough, but I’d also love to fill you in on some of the cultural context that drives me to make this my life’s work. This is a little heady, so bear with me.

Pleasure holds enormous transformational power, both for individuals and also for our culture collectively. Shedding shame and fully enjoying sexual pleasure are revolutionary acts because in our patriarchal culture pleasure generally comes wrapped up in shame. Every time you indulge in pleasure without shame, you chip away at the power of the patriarchy, which is good for you and for all of us! Thanks in advance for your generous contribution to the cause ;)

Patriarchy means a society in which men hold more power and enjoy more privilege while women and other non-male genders are underprivileged and/or oppressed. We put “the” before it because at this point in time, The Patriarchy is global, and here in the U.S. it has persisted through at least four “waves” of feminism. We’ve come a long way, but dismantling this beast is a process, and it ain’t over yet.

Our patriarchal culture gives us all some complicated and confusing messages about sex. To begin with, everyone is assumed to be heterosexual, which leaves queer folks left out and erased. This is obviously harmful, and it has also meant that queer communities have developed some healthier countercultures out of necessity. More on that later.

So I’m going to sketch out some of the messages about sexuality that we get from the dominant culture. I’m sure these messages will sound familiar, and they may have varying levels of sway on your particular life experience at this point. You may have rejected a lot of this stuff long ago—especially if you hold a marginalized gender or sexual identity. The folks who are most susceptible to the power of these cultural messages are those who live closest to the cultural norm: cisgendered, heterosexual, monogamous, and vanilla (not kinky). However, these messages impact everyone to some degree, and they provide something to push against when building counterculture.

The primary cultural message for people socialized as women is to look sexy (in order to attract men)—but don’t look too sexy or you’re a whore and/or inviting sexual assault. When a woman has sex with a man, she’s responsible for seeing that he has a good time, that she’s fun and satisfying and not too demanding. The question of whether or not women want or enjoy sexual pleasure is secondary.

By contrast, people socialized as men are expected to want and enjoy sex—especially with stereotypically sexy-looking women—and they are expected to achieve sexual satisfaction (including orgasm with ejaculation). Men are socialized to expect that they will be able to have sex, as long as they play their part in the prescribed sexual script.

Here's how the script goes: Men are the sexual instigators (they “make the first move”), boundary testers/pushers, and in the worst cases aggressors. Women play the role of gatekeeper, whose job it is to either consent or not, to resist the come-ons of horny men, and to remain vigilant to protect themselves from sexual aggression. Consent is framed in terms of one partner seeking consent and the other granting it (in heterosexual encounters, it’s most often men seeking and women granting).

Is any of this sounding familiar??

About to get headier, and it’s worth it! Stay with me! In this sexual script, men are the subjects (they have agency and are pursuing their desires) and women are the objects (they look sexy to attract men, and they either consent to fulfill a man’s desires or not). When people talk about the “objectification of women” this is how it happens. Women are the objects of men’s sexual desires (rather than the subjects of their own).

This unequal power dynamic is central to “rape culture,” in which men feel entitled to have sex with women, regardless of what women want. It also puts a lot of pressure on men to make a move, but in a respectful (not creepy) way, which sometimes feels next to impossible. Following this sexual script does not make for awesome sex for anyone, and it tragically sometimes results in nonconsensual and traumatic sexual encounters.

In order to shift this toxic dynamic, all sexual partners of all genders need to be subjects of their own desire rather than objects of someone else’s. And in order for women to transform from sexual objects into sexual subjects, their pleasure needs to matter.

If you have a vulva, or if you’re having sex with someone who does, learning how to stimulate the full extent of the clitoris (internal and external) is very important since the clitoris is the primary pleasure organ for people with vulvas. Perhaps you’ve heard before that most women require direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm (true). Have you ever heard anyone say that most men require direct penile stimulation to reach orgasm? It sounds ridiculous, right? Of course most (not all) people with penises require direct stimulation of the penis to reach orgasm. And of course most (not all) people with clitorises require direct stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm.

One more important point: In order for women to experience as much pleasure as men during heterosexual sex, our cultural definition of sex needs to change. Many people use the word “sex” to mean penis-in-vagina (PiV) intercourse, which is an activity that is extremely effective for stimulating the penis and much less effective for stimulating the clitoris. Sexual activities that stimulate the clitoris (for example manual touching and cunnilingus) are often included in “foreplay,” so called because it is play that comes before the main event (intercourse). And how do we know when sex is over? Generally, it’s when the man orgasms with a penile ejaculation and loses energy and interest in sex. Centering female pleasure means decentering intercourse. PiV intercourse becomes one optional part of a sexual encounter, along with many other also pleasurable options.

Do you see how female pleasure needs to matter in order to change the power dynamics in our sexual interactions? But how do people learn about this? Even “comprehensive” sexuality education in public schools in the U.S. doesn’t include information about sexual pleasure. Aims of sex ed are generally to postpone sexual activity, prevent “teen pregnancy” and STIs, and since the Me Too movement to advocate for consent in order to prevent sexual violence. School-based sex ed programs generally don’t include anything that could be construed as encouraging sexual activity, so pleasure is pretty much out. Since pleasure is the only known purpose of the clitoris, there’s no reason to even mention it in a sex ed class that doesn’t cover pleasure. And although consent is stressed in lots of sex ed these days, it’s generally framed as (mainly men) asking and (mainly women) granting permission rather than a complex negotiation between equals who are both fully empowered subjects of their own desires.

Many queer communities are way ahead of the dominant culture when it comes to relational power dynamics, pleasure equality, and nuanced consent conversations. When the people involved are two people who are both the same gender, more than two people in a polyamorous relationship, people whose genders differ from their sex assigned at birth, people engaged in power exchange and other kinky relational dynamics… when identities and relationships diverge from the cultural norm, the dominant cultural scripts just don’t fit. Although some aspects of the dominant sexual script can absolutely show up in queer relationships, various queer communities have also come up with countercultural narratives and customs that are more pleasure inclusive and shame resistant. The patriarchy is arguably the hardest on the queer community, and the resistance is the strongest and most creative.

People of all identities can do our part to resist patriarchal norms and expectations by getting to know our own sexual wants, likes, and dislikes so that we can approach sex as fully embodied subjects of our own desires. Then we’re able to meet our sexual partners as equal subjects of their own desires, which can make for some seriously magical win-win wahoo pleasurable sex! Experiencing pleasure without shame is possibly the most delicious way to dismantle the patriarchy. Yes please!

Pleasure Activism, by Adrienne Maree Brown, had an impactful influence on my understanding of pleasure as a means to dismantle the patriarchy.

©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.