Sex-Positive Parenting
This one is for the parents—though anyone interested in generational transfer of culture and values will likely find it interesting! This essay will help you understand why I think this is so important and what my sex-positive parenting philosophy is all about.
So parents: When you think about your kid’s future, what do you wish for them? Health and happiness are top on my list, and likely yours too. While we don’t tend to think much about our kids as sexual beings, a fulfilling sex life is an important component of a healthy and happy life for most humans—and as parents, there are things we can do and say from a very young age that will support (or hinder) the development of healthy sexuality.
Humans are sexual beings. Even in utero, babies touch their genitals. It feels good! Our genitals are full of nerve endings, and touching them is pleasurable. When a baby touches their feet, we might say happily “You found your feet!” How about when a baby touches their penis or vulva? Ideally, a parent’s response is very similar: “You found your penis!” Ideally, babies and children are never shamed for touching their genitals or finding pleasure in other ways. When a child is old enough to understand some boundaries around where and when we do various things (like eating in the kitchen or peeing in the toilet), parents can direct kids to touch their genitals in the bathroom or bedroom—and to wash their hands before and after. Ideally we validate the natural inclination toward self-pleasure by saying “Does it feel good to touch your vulva?” and then “That’s a great thing to do when you’re alone in your bedroom. And washing your hands before and after touching your vulva will help to keep you clean and healthy.”
What I just described gives kids a great start toward a healthy relationship to their sexuality. As kids get older, they will have questions about sex as well as reproduction. Parents should always answer kids’ questions factually, offering a small amount of accurate information and waiting to see if that meets the child’s curiosity or if they have more or different questions to ask. Avoiding or ignoring a question that might make us feel uncomfortable will transmit our cultural shame around sexuality to our kids, who will then be less likely to ask us questions in the future. When kids know that we’ll answer their questions with accurate information that is free of judgement and shame, they will keep coming back to us with their questions. This openness is key to establishing and maintaining your role as your child’s go-to person about all their life curiosities, and sexuality is no exception.
As I mentioned, kids will have questions about both sex and reproduction. Sex and reproduction are not the same thing, and I believe it does kids a disservice to conflate them. Kids wonder about where they came from and how reproduction works, including conception, pregnancy, and birth. Kids also wonder about the pleasure they feel in their genitals and about adults “having sex” when they hear about that. The truth is that most people have sex most of the time because it’s pleasurable, and that is not shameful and should not be a secret from children. Many kids believe for some period of their childhood that adults only have sex one time for each child that is born. They also commonly understand sex to mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. It is healthier for all of us to understand “sex” much more broadly, so that it includes all ways that people experience sexual pleasure both alone and with a partner, who may have similar or different genitalia than you do. This definition of sex includes people with all different sexual identities, and it includes a wide array of pleasurable behaviors.
It is important to center pleasure when we talk with kids about sex. Pleasure is often absent from formalized sexuality education (what kids are learning in school). Some schools teach an abstinence-only or abstinence-plus curriculum, which stresses abstaining from sex entirely until marriage. Even in so-called comprehensive sex ed, the focus tends to be on reproduction and avoiding sexually transmitted infections (STIs). There’s general consensus in our culture that we want kids to wait as long as possible before having sex, and fear of pregnancy and/or STIs is used as a motivator to achieve this desired outcome. The emotional messages that come through tend to be heavy on fear and shame. We teach kids to be afraid and ashamed of sex… and then when they grow into adults, they’re supposed to magically have a healthy and happy sex life. Not surprisingly it doesn’t work out so well.
It is important to center pleasure when we talk with kids about sex in part because it’s true and in part because when kids grow up believing that sex is supposed to feel good for everyone involved, they are more likely to have sex that feels good for everyone involved. With this assumption that sex is all about pleasure for all people engaging in it, it almost goes without saying that everyone must consent to having sex. Just like other things people do together for enjoyment, everyone should be doing the thing voluntarily and because they want to.
This key message around consent can be communicated to children from a young age in non-sexual circumstances. For example, when kids play a game together, an adult can make a point to ensure that all kids actually want to play the game before play begins. The adult can then check in midway to make sure that all the kids still want to play the game. And if there’s an emotional shift at any point, the adult can check in or prompt other kids to check in with an unhappy child: “You seem unhappy. Do you still want to play this game? Do you want to change the way we’re playing?” Modeling early that play is for enjoyment, that it’s voluntary, and that kids can opt out or change their mind at any time is a great way to set the stage for healthy consensual and mutually pleasurable sex later on.
When kids get a bit older, it becomes necessary to have real conversations with them about sex and sexuality. Hopefully you’ve established yourself as an “askable adult” and your children are bringing their questions to you, but maybe you haven’t; maybe it’s just as your kid is hitting puberty that you’re realizing that these talks need to happen. Even with the most open and available parents, not all kids will bring up all their questions. Especially as kids transition to adolescents and naturally withdraw from their parents, we sometimes need to bring up the topic of sexuality with our kids. Let me take a moment to validate that this feels hard for a lot of us. The dominant culture in the United States pairs sexuality with shame. One way this manifests is a reluctance to talk about sex and sexuality. Adults don’t talk about sex very much with one another, and parents don’t talk about sex very much with their kids. Lots of parents who are confident in pretty much every other area freeze up when it comes to talking about sexuality. They don’t know what to say, and they fear saying too much or the wrong thing.
When parents avoid the topic of sexuality, kids are at a disadvantage. Children need their parents to share information, values, and support in the realm of sexuality. The alternative is learning from porn, peers, and the internet (which includes some great sexuality education resources along with a ton of misinformation—and kids are generally not well equipped to tell the difference). Given the state of our culture around sex and sexuality, it’s absolutely understandable that parents feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or even fearful when they think about discussing sex with their kids. This is an instance where I’m going to suggest that you take some of your own advice that you likely give to your kids, and apply it to yourself, because it really is important for the health and happiness of your child: “Feel the fear (or discomfort or embarrassment) and do it anyway. You can do hard things.”
Books and good reliable online resources can be a great way to break the ice and engage with kids. You can read them together or provide them to your kids to read on their own, but it’s important to also follow up and initiate conversations about the content of the book or website. Kids need us to keep reminding them that we’re a supportive resource as they do the very hard work of growing up and navigating intense changes in their lives.
There’s a common fear that kids who learn about sex will want to do it sooner. It turns out this is not true. On average, kids who learn all about sex (including pleasure, consent, safety, and the wide range of empowering choices that they have in relationships and sexuality) begin having sex at a later age than kids who don’t experience comprehensive sexuality education—and when they do have sex, they do it more safely and they feel better about it. Knowledge is empowering.
Sex-positive parenting is cycle-breaking and culture-changing work. It is not easy, and like so many challenging things, it is so worth doing. You can be the change you want to see in our culture! You can heal the cultural shame around sexuality that has been passed through your lineage. You can set your kid(s) up for a life with more pleasure, connection, and intimacy—and less shame and fear.
I’m always thrilled to meet parents in the trenches of sex-positive parenting. Feel free to reach out or join my mailing list so you’re sure to hear about future classes or workshops.
Warmly,
Sarah
