Surrender
Surrender plays a central role in the experience of sexual pleasure. To surrender is to give yourself over… to your partner, to the present moment, to pleasure itself.
The paths to pleasure are many and diverse, and they all involve surrendering to the present moment. When you are able to be entirely present in a sexual encounter, with attention on the sensations in your body, letting pleasure lead you to what comes next, you can find yourself in a delicious state of creative and pleasureful flow. You are consumed by this flow state, the rest of the world falls away, and pleasure can feel limitless. This is possible in both solo and partnered sex. Surrendering to the flow of sexual pleasure can result in an ecstatic experience that is at once fully embodied and also expands beyond the body. This is the stuff that extraordinary sex is made of, and it all starts with presence and surrender.
In partnered sex, one person often surrenders to the other during a particular sexual act, or sometimes for an entire sexual encounter. Sometimes this is quite formalized, as in domination/submission play, where the submissive surrenders control to their dominant partner. However, surrender is a key part of most sexual encounters, regardless of where they fall on the vanilla-to-kink spectrum. Partners sometimes take turns surrendering to one another, and both partners surrender to the shared experience, to the moment, to pleasure.
Surrendering to a partner requires trust and a sense of safety. There are lots of reasons why a person may feel unsafe or untrusting while having sex. Perhaps their partner hasn’t earned their trust, either because they don’t know each other very well or because there’s been some inconsistency in how the partner shows up physically or emotionally. It’s also possible that the partner has been consistently present and safe, but that past trauma has caused your nervous system to mistrust and resist feelings of safety and relaxation. If this is the case, working with a therapist who specializes in trauma may help you to integrate traumatic experiences as memories of your past, allowing you to be present for the safety and pleasure in your life now.
Oral sex is one act where surrender is often especially present. The person receiving oral sex gives their partner access to the most vulnerable part of their body, and then their job is simply to let go and enjoy the pleasure. This letting go–or surrender–comes easily to some folks; for others, it is a struggle. I sometimes hear from folks that receiving oral sex and really enjoying it, especially enough to reach orgasm, can be a challenge because their mind gets busy with worrying. Here are some common worries:
Worry that their genitals look, smell, or taste “bad”
Worry that they’re taking too long to reach orgasm, or feel pressured to reach orgasm
Worry that if they tell their partner exactly what they want & what feels good, their partner’s ego will be bruised (so they go along with mediocre oral sex instead of communicating what would make it better)
Worry that their partner is not enjoying it
Worry about things completely unrelated to the sex they are having–like an awkward social interaction from yesterday or packing school lunches for tomorrow (basically a struggle to be present in the moment)
All these worries are part of the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS), as explained by Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. One of my big aha moments in reading this book is when Dr. Nagoski explains the dual control model of sexual response. The basic idea is that people have two systems operating simultaneously: the SES or sexual excitation system (ways you’re turned on) and the SIS or sexual inhibition system (ways you’re turned off, or things that get in the way of your sexual arousal). In order for a person to experience sexual pleasure, their SIS needs to quiet down while their SES needs to rev up.
Everyone is wired a bit differently, but when people are having a hard time getting sexually aroused, the issue is more often an overactive SIS that is getting in the way of their ability to feel turned on. You can pull out all the stops to stimulate your SES, all sorts of turn-ons, and it won’t work if your SIS is revved up. Effectively navigating your SIS is all about surrender. It is taming the busy mind, the anxiety, and anything else that’s pumping your sexual brakes, so that you can surrender to the present moment and the sensation of sexual pleasure.
Some people find that incorporating more intense sensations and/or more formalized power dynamics through consensual kink play can help them to surrender more fully to the pleasure of the present moment. The sting of impact play, pulling of hair, or momentary burn of hot wax can bring a level of intensity that chases all distracting thoughts away. Formally giving over power to a dominant can help a person taking a submissive role to let go of any worry about what they should do or how they should look or act. For some people, choosing to surrender in this more formalized way facilitates a level of presence and an ability to experience pleasure that go beyond what they’re able to access in more vanilla sex. Still for others, the thought of engaging in kinky sexual behaviors like these brings up anxiety and a feeling of unsafety. Your own path to presence and pleasure is for you to discover; there’s no single way that works for everyone.
Whether your sex is solo or partnered, achieving orgasm involves surrender, giving up control, giving yourself over to pleasure. Even when you are the one pleasuring yourself, there’s a need to surrender to the present moment, to focus on the sensation, and then a part of you needs to surrender or let go of control in order to climax, even as another part of you continues the stimulation that gets you there.
Good sex requires presence. When the people involved are only half here because they’re thinking about a to-do list or a past sexual encounter, or worrying about a loved one or the state of the world or the size of their thighs, the sex is mediocre. Surrendering to the present moment is one of the best things you can do to improve the quality of your sexual encounter. When distracting thoughts arise, return your focus to the sensations in your body in the present moment. Sex itself becomes a meditative presencing practice. Your presence increases your ability to feel pleasure, and your encompassing experience of pleasure increases your ability to be present. That’s the sort of positive feedback that supports extraordinary sex.
Are you interested in exploring your own potential for expansive sexual pleasure? As a pleasure guide and certified sexuality educator, I work with clients 1-on-1 and with couples to help them access more pleasure in the sexual realm. My work is not hands-on; it’s through conversation and occasional guided meditation and embodiment exercises. I’m happy to meet with you for a free 30-minute Zoom call to test the waters: https://www.goodrichsex.com/1on1
