Time to Keep the Flame Burning
How do couples keep the flame burning in a long-term relationship? This might sound like a simple question, but there is certainly not a simple answer. The formula for maintaining sexual interest and intimacy over the long term is not the same for everyone, and multiple factors are always at play. However, one important piece of the puzzle in every relationship is the way that a couple spends their time.
In order to keep sexual desire and sexual pleasure alive and well over years or decades, it’s important for the couple to balance the following ways that time is spent:
Time together on shared projects (includes homemaking and raising kids, if you’re doing that)
Time apart on individual interests, passions, and friendships (work can serve this purpose to a degree, though time outside of work as well is usually supportive)
Time together in community (with friends, extended family, and/or strangers in a social setting)
Time together one-on-one as lovers (including time that is carved out especially for sex)
Spending time together on shared projects is generally an important part of what makes two people function as a couple. This often involves making and maintaining a home together, cooking or even growing the food you eat. Raising kids is a major shared project. Some couples make music together or work together on a mission-driven project to create positive change in their community or the world. Whatever it is for you, having some shared project(s) is supportive for connection over the long term.
In order to maintain a sexual connection over many years, it is beneficial for both people to spend time apart from one another on things that interest each of you individually. This supports each of you to continually develop your own unique identities. It helps to keep you both curious about who your partner is and how they’re evolving. Spending time apart provides the space needed to develop a sexual charge.
It can also be supportive for a couple to spend time together in community. This allows you to see different aspects of one another and to keep admiration and interest more present. The way your partner interacts with friends, strangers, and/or their mother is different from how your partner interacts with you. You may find yourself attracted to your partner because of the way they interact with others and/or because of how other people appreciate your partner. If you find that you are routinely turned off, ashamed, or disgusted when you witness your partner interacting with others, this may be a sign that your relationship is not healthy for you. Sometimes “red flags” are easier to see in community than one-on-one. Assuming that you actually do like and admire your partner, when you witness a spark of attraction between them and a friend or stranger, it can remind you of how attractive your partner is and how lucky you both are to have chosen one another.
Perhaps it goes without saying that a couple should spend time one-on-one as lovers in order to maintain a sexual connection. However, it’s not uncommon for people to think that sex will happen spontaneously from time to time when both people head to bed at night. When life gets full and people get tired, if sex is left to “the fates” and only happens if/when both people have enough energy to squeeze in sex before sleeping, sex can become less and less frequent as well as less and less fulfilling. It’s important to carve out quality time for the two of you to be together as lovers and to consciously create a context that will help you both show up fully for a shared sexual experience. Many people find that the best sex is supported by a feeling that you have all the time you need, so carving out a substantial block of time every now and then helps you keep deeply pleasurable sex in the mix. I know it goes against our cultural mythology around sex and spontaneity, but the truth is that good sex happens when you plan for it.
There’s no doubt that certain life circumstances make it more challenging to strike a balance in the ways that we spend our time. If a couple works together and/or if one or both of you work at home, it can be extra difficult to find the balance. When a couple is raising kids, it is quite common for almost all of their time to funnel into the shared project of parenting and running the family. It can feel very difficult to find time for individual interests and/or one-on-one time as lovers. Time in community often happens more easily, although it tends to be centered more on the kids and less on the adults outside of their parenting roles.
When life feels full and complicated, couples need to get creative in how they prioritize the romantic and sexual aspects of their relationship. If two parents are at home, they can give each other breaks from the family to pursue interests and connect with friends independently. For couple time, people sometimes rely on family, friends, or babysitters for childcare on date nights. Both partners can take a day off work to connect and have an extended day-time sex session. I’m not saying it’s easy to carve out time during the childrearing years for solo time and for lover time. I am saying it’s important, though, particularly if you want to maintain a vibrant sexual connection as part of your relationship.
A sexual charge more easily develops when you spend some of your time apart doing things that feed your soul and some of your time together 1-on-1 very intentionally on sexual and soul connection. About the worst thing for keeping the sexual flame burning is to spend lots and lots of time together on mundane or nonsexual things… like housekeeping, parenting, bill paying, yard work, etc. and very little or no time apart and/or together 1-on-1 as lovers. In our culture, a lot of parents get stuck in the all-family-all-the-time dynamic, and it takes real work and intention to balance the ways that you spend time in your family.
Paying attention to the balance of the four ways to spend time that I’ve outlined here can help to set you up for a sexual relationship with longevity. If you’re in a long-term relationship, and sexual connection is flagging, consider how you’re spending your time and what has fallen off the priority sheet. A shift in your time balance may play an important part in getting that flame burning once again.
©️2025 Sarah Goodrich, Goodrich Sexuality Education, LLC. All rights reserved.
